


Tell Me All About It

by ToukoTai



Series: Ready To Listen [1]
Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Age Swap, Bittersweet Ending, Gen, Magical Realism, Non-Linear Narrative, big brother Hiro, little brother Tadashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-02-28 16:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2740061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToukoTai/pseuds/ToukoTai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the days and weeks leading up to and after his big brother's accidental death, Tadashi struggles to reconcile the Hiro Hamada he knew, with the one everyone else did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist:  
> The Mute by Radical Face  
> Sometimes the Stars by The Audreys  
> World Spins Madly On by The Weepies  
> Faux by Novo Amor & Ed Tullet  
> Sail On by Ryn Weaver

 

Tadashi has so many things he wants to say about his big brother, how great Hiro is(was), how he loves(d) gummy bears, would do anything for them, how he helps(d) Tadashi be better all the time. How he is(was) so smart, how he is(was) a complete goof sometimes, all the times, especially when he thought Tadashi needed cheering up. How he is (was) always laughing, smiling, how full of life Hiro is(was). But when the time comes, he can’t open his mouth, can’t make his lips move or his tongue cooperate. All that comes out is a strangled sob and the tears blind his eyes so he can’t read the words he wrote. His fingers clench and crumple the paper in his hands. Aunt Cass wraps him up in her arms and he cries and cries and cries. And the rain pours down, turns the grave dirt to mud.

 

* * *

 

Hiro is the smartest person in the whole wide world. _The smartest._ Graduated high school at thirteen, and had been attending SFIT until he’d unexpectedly dropped out. Tadashi had been working on that, he’s not as smart as his older brother(no one is-was), but he’s still way above average on his own. Tadashi’s earliest memory is of his brother explaining calculus to him, in a warm, gentle voice, patient, despite Tadashi not quite understanding all the concepts. His brother pointing at different numbers and variables as he worked through his homework, but still sparing the time to answer all of his younger sibling’s questions.

Tadashi didn’t have any memories of his parents; he’d been three when they’d died in a car accident. And even though he had been in the backseat of the car and came out with only a small scratch on him, he couldn’t remember either the accident or his parents. Though on a subconscious level, he must have, because he had the worst nightmares for months after the accident. And each time, he was woken up by Hiro poking at him. Once he was satisfied that Tadashi was awake, Hiro would climb into the bed next to Tadashi, tug his little brother close and hum a disjointed lullaby until Tadashi fell back asleep. Hiro had been staying late at school and so missed the accident. Tadashi is forever grateful for that. Now it seems as though it was only prolonging the inevitable.

 

* * *

 

After the funeral, he doesn’t avoid his brother’s side of the room. He _invades_ it. He doesn’t want to forget Hiro, like he forgot their mother and father. Even though he knows that’s not going to happen, he’s fourteen, Hiro is never going to leave his mind. But still. The fear remains and he goes through his brother’s desk, his papers, his clothes. Leaves his own bed for Hiro’s at night, wraps himself up in the sheets and comforter on the messy bed, and breathes in the scent of Hiro’s shampoo on the pillow. Hiro never was very neat, and never bothered to make his bed unless Aunt Cass threatened him, the wayward thought makes him smile, makes it a little easier. Tadashi tries to find his brother in what he left behind, tries to find something to hold on to. But all that’s left are just objects, things, _stuff_. None of it is his brother.

 

* * *

 

Hiro had been the one to help him get an independent study at SFIT, after he had caught Tadashi messing around with his prize battle bot.

“You wanna be a bot fighter?” Hiro had asked, one eyebrow raised and his arms crossed over his chest. Tadashi had looked down at Megabot, and back up at Hiro.

“Well yeah, it’s what you do, right? We could be a team!” Hiro had shaken his head and rolled his eyes to the ceiling as though asking for help.

“This is a do as I don’t situation, Tadashi.” He spun the chair Tadashi was sitting in around so they were facing each other. “Bot fighting is dangerous. There’s a lot of dangerous people involved in it, it’s no place for a teenager.”

“You started bot fighting when you were my age.” Tadashi had pointed out. Hiro had crouched down so he was just a little bit below Tadashi’s height.

“Do as I don’t.” He repeated firmly. “Didn’t you want to help people with robotics?” Tadashi nodded. He did, he wanted to help a lot of people. He had the brains for it. But there was one person he wanted to help over everyone else.

“I want to help you.” He said. Hiro snorted, dropping a hand on Tadashi’s head and ruffling his hair through his hat.

“I can help myself, Tadashi.” Tadashi wants to tell Hiro that no, Hiro really can’t. His brother has been on a downward spiral for years now, and Tadashi doesn’t know why. Hiro won’t tell him, and Aunt Cass either doesn’t know or won’t say. He knows it has something to do with Hiro dropping out of SFIT, but he doesn’t know what. And it scares him, losing Hiro to whatever demons he’s running from, scares Tadashi more than anything. He doesn’t say it though, he doesn’t say anything, and he just stares pleadingly up at Hiro. For his part, Hiro’s watching him with a thoughtful expression on his face. He taps the bill of Tadashi’s cap.

“Got it.” Tadashi furrows his brow in confusion.

“Got what?”

“You have a free period at school right? ‘Cause you’re the smartest kid in it?” Tadashi nods, not quite sure where Hiro is going with this. “And clearly you’re dead set on robotics. So, SanFranokyo Institute of Technology had an internship program when I went there.” Hiro almost never talks about his time at SFIT, Tadashi chooses to see this as a break through. “For prospective students. I never took it, but I'm sure they'd accept you. If it’s still offered, would you want to join it?”

“Are you kidding? Yes I would!” Hiro had laughed and told him to hang tight while he got the ball rolling. Hiro didn’t set foot near the school himself, but had made a few phone calls and talked to some people. Apparently his brother was well remembered in the robotics department. He helped Tadashi put together a portfolio and edited his cover letter. Dropped him off and picked him up for the interview, taken him out for noodles to celebrate when he got his acceptance. Tadashi was glad to note that while Hiro hadn’t actually gone to the school, he hadn’t gone out bot fighting during that time either. One step forward.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so this also extremely non linear. Like ha ha, what's a timeline, non linear. Line breaks designate time line jumps.  
> Writing Hiro and Tadashi dialogue is probably the most fun ever.

Tadashi has trouble sleeping now. He’s used to the noise of someone else in the room with him. Hiro almost never went to bed at normal hours. Outside of bot fighting he’d done freelance bot designing on the side. The light from his desk lamp would be reflected off of the paper screen late into the night. The sound of fingers typing, a pencil scratching over paper or Hiro humming along with whatever song he was listening to through his headphones, were the things that Tadashi was used to drifting off to. But there’s no one else there now and the room is too dark and quiet. He tries pretending Hiro is just out bot fighting late, and that just makes it worse. He tries sleeping in his own bed at first and then migrates over to Hiro’s. It’s only marginally better.

When he does fall asleep he dreams the same dream, every time, of a crowd of people. His brother is in that crowd somewhere, but when he finds him, Hiro is walking away from Tadashi. He doesn’t know where his brother is going, but he knows he has to stop him. Hiro doesn’t hear him yelling, doesn’t turn at his screams. Even though Hiro is walking at a normal pace, Tadashi can’t catch up to him, not even running at his fastest. He chases after his brother’s slowly vanishing back, the dark blue of his hoodie getting more indistinct. The distance between them grows and the people shuffle in the way. Tadashi always wakes up just as Hiro gets lost in the crowd again. He wakes up choking on sobs, clutching the blankets as close as he can with the feeling of _loss_ pounding through him.

* * *

 

His brother was meant for better things then bot fighting. Tadashi knows this like he knows how many elements are in the periodic table and that Aunt Cass’s homemade cookies taste a hundred times better then the supermarket’s. It’s a fixed fact. Hiro is going to change the world someday. He just doesn’t know it yet. Or he does and is running away, which is entirely within the realm of possibility. So that just means Tadashi will have to take things into his own hands. Tadashi doesn’t give up, not on school, not on Baymax, and definitely not on his brother. And he thinks he’s got a really good idea going this time. Because he knows Hiro, Hiro _loves_ experiments, he _loves_ inventing and building and problem solving and making something with his own two hands. He would love the creative energy the lab practically buzzes with. Tadashi is _positive_ that he only needs to get Hiro to the lab. Just once! And Hiro won’t be able to help himself.

Hiro is home early from bot fighting tonight. The police had busted up the latest meeting point and he’s stuck home until a new one is declared. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. Tadashi had just finished fine tuning Baymax. It was a lot of trial and error, and Hiro calling his cell phone late at night, demanding to know where he was, and Wasabi giving him rides home when Hiro couldn’t. But Baymax works, Tadashi can’t wait to introduce him to Hiro.

“Hey, Hiro?” It’s now or never, he nonchalantly makes his way over to Hiro’s side of the room, leans an arm on the back of Hiro’s desk chair. Ignores the schematics open on Hiro’s computer, that bot looks like a killer though.

“Hm?” His brother doesn’t look away from the computer screen, a pencil dangling forgotten from his teeth.

“I need a favor.” Hiro spits the pencil out onto his desk, and tilts his head back to make eye contact with Tadashi. Tadashi wrinkles his nose, because ew, that spitting thing was kinda gross.

“A favor huh?” The grin on Hiro’s face is _all_ mischief and Tadashi knows he’ll probably be paying for this later. His brother has never been one not to collect on a favor owed. It’ll be worth it, he thinks, it’s so totally going to be worth it.

“Yeah,” He toes the ground with the tip of his sneaker a little. “I want to move my internship project home, to see how it does in a domestic environment, and I was wondering if you’d help me transport it.” Hiro’s grin fades and his eyes narrow.

“It’s at the Institute labs?” Tadashi nods. “Forget it.” Hiro drops his head back down to the computer screen and picks up the pencil. Double ew, Tadashi makes a mental note not to use any pencils or pens from Hiro’s desk.

“Come on Hiro, please?” Tadashi isn’t turned off by being so abruptly turned down, he’d expected it really.

“Go ask Aunt Cass.” Sometimes Hiro was incredibly predictable, Tadashi just had to block off all his escape routes and then move in for the kill.

“She had a really busy closing shift.” Hiro still doesn’t look at him, but he also doesn’t type or touch his computer, his knuckles are white around the pencil though.

“What about one of your friends then? Uh, soy sauce…?”

“Wasabi, Hiro.” Tadashi patiently corrects. “They’re working on midterm projects. I can’t ask them to leave.” Hiro resolutely stares at the computer screen, but Tadashi knows he has him when he doesn’t offer any more alternatives. Time to use his finishing move: bambi eyes.

He leans around Hiro so his face is juuuuust under Hiro’s eye line. Focuses on making his eyes as big as he can.

“Please, Hiro? I wouldn’t ask if this wasn’t important.” Hiro is determinedly not looking down at him. Tadashi takes it up to the next level and sticks his bottom lip out. It doesn’t matter if Hiro isn’t looking directly at him, what matters is that Hiro knows him well enough to be able to picture what he’s doing. Hiro has the biggest guilty conscience, and Tadashi knows exactly how to play that. “Pleeeease? I need your help nii-chan.” The pencil in Hiro hand snaps and he throws the broken halves across the desk.

“Fine! Fine! I’ll take you to your stupid nerd school, just knock it off!” Tadashi darts back as Hiro stands up so quickly his desk chair rolls and smacks into his bed. Wisely refrains from mentioning that it was Hiro’s nerd school first.

“Did I mention that I’ll need help carrying it out?” Hiro whirls around, eyes flashing, Tadashi makes sure to keep all traces of victory off his face, as Hiro jabs him in the chest with a finger.

“I don’t care! It’s going to be the quickest trip to the labs you’ve ever taken! There will be a shockwave that will confuse _everyone_ because our trip will be so fast,” Hiro leans down to growl at Tadashi. “ _we will break the sound barrier_.” Tadashi nods quickly. “Go!” Hiro flings an arm out and Tadashi scampers out of the room and down the stairs, Hiro following behind him with loud, angry, stomping.


	3. Chapter 3

His friends send him a video message a few days after the funeral. Tadashi can’t bear to watch the entire thing at first. Turns his computer off almost as soon as the player starts. The overwhelming feeling of guilt hangs just out of reach. He can’t bring himself to eat, he can’t sleep, he can’t even pull up the window shade. The What if’s and if only’s circle around and around in his head and finally he pulls up the video and watches the entire thing, just have to something to shut out his own thoughts. It makes him feel worse. He has the greatest friends in the world. They were Hiro’s friends now too; it was going to be _great_ , working in the lab with his friends and his brother. And now, everything is ruined and it’s his fault. He buries his face in his hands, he wants to cry but he doesn’t have any tears left and his eyes remain itchy, burningly dry.

 

* * *

 

Tadashi’s Get Hiro Friends and Back into SFIT plan goes off pretty well, extremely well, all things considered. Gogo may have been tempted to punch Hiro, but honestly, his brother induced that kind of reaction in most people. He’d been pretty excited with Honey Lemon’s latest chemical experiment. Talking shop about the different kinds of formulas and substitutes that could be used as work arounds and the practical applications. Hiro connects the best with Wasabi, Tadashi attributes that to how much he’s mentioned Wasabi at home and how much help Wasabi has given him in terms of rides and homework and such.(basically being there when Hiro couldn’t or wouldn’t.) Fred is Fred, and he’s got the right amount creativity and absurdity that Tadashi can see him getting Hiro’s brain thinking again. All those impossible ideas, but how to make them possible? That’s what Hiro does best. Makes science fiction, reality.

“How about a better suit?” Hiro asks, ‘Like a monster suit? You could put in framing for better strength or like, a flamethrower or something.” And Fred grins at him so wide.

But the highlight is when Hiro turns to him, eyes brighter then Tadashi has seen in _forever_ and asks him: ‘So, what’ve you been working on?” Tadashi can’t stop the smile from spreading across his face, he grabs Hiro’s hand, tugs him back to the internship section of the lab.

“Wanna see something really cool?”

 

* * *

 

The garage is still and silent. Tadashi hasn’t had it in him to venture there on his own. And without Hiro, the workshop sees no use. When he finally crosses the threshold, Tadashi wants nothing more than to turn around and run back to their room. Hiro had finished the last of his custom battle bot orders long before the showcase, so he could devote all his time and attention to the microbots.

The bench which would be covered with parts, tools, designs and half-finished bots is clean and clear. Designs and order forms and requests taken off the corkboard. Wasabi had gone through before the showcase and organized all the tools. Hiro heckling him the entire time.

_“It was an organized mess; I could find everything I needed; now I won’t be able to find anything.”_

_“A clean shop does wonders for the creative process. You’ll thank me later.”_

The result is a completely clean and tidy workspace. A space that looks like Hiro never inhabited it at all. A space that was devoid of the energy that Hiro brought to a room just by walking into it. A workshop without any of the whirlwind chaos of Hiro. Tadashi can’t stand it. Besides their room, this was the one place Hiro spent the majority of his time. And now it didn’t even look like Hiro had ever been there. So he runs, back up the stairs, his feet thudding heavily on each step. Back to the space that looks as though Hiro will burst through the door any second, sweep him up and throw him halfway across the room onto his bed. Like he had so many times before. It’s a lie Tadashi acknowledges, it’s a lie he’s not ready to leave yet.

 

* * *

 

Tadashi hasn’t seen Hiro look quite as animated as this in a really long time. There’s a difference between _normal_ energetic Hiro and _inventing_ energetic Hiro. Tadashi has to work to keep the smugness off his face. He knew designing and battling bots wouldn’t hold his brother’s attention forever. He knew Hiro was starting to bounce back from whatever had dragged him down. He knew just one trip to the labs was all it would take to rekindle his brother’s drive. _He knew it_. Tadashi is busy mentally patting himself on the back for an essentially successful completion of his plan when.

“Hiro.” Oh, he knows that voice and judging by the way Hiro tenses all over, he does too. “Hiro Hamada. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.” Professor Callaghan is standing in the doorway of Tadashi’s lab. And Tadashi may have possibly forgotten to tell Hiro that Professor Callaghan was Tadashi’s mentor in the internship program. Hiro straightens as he turns to the doorway.

“Has it?” He asks his voice gone wavering, he scratches at the back of his unruly hair. “I hadn’t really noticed.” It’s been a long time since Tadashi has seen Hiro nervous or unsure, but he still recognizes the tells. Hiro is really nervous, but Tadashi doesn’t know why, Callaghan had said that he had been Hiro’s adviser when the young man had attended SFIT. So it wasn’t that Hiro was star struck. It was something else.

“Hm.” Callaghan steps further into the room, smiles at Hiro, “You certainly got taller.” Tadashi bit his tongue. Commenting on Hiro’s height had been the easiest way to get him to explode when he was Tadashi’s age. He’d almost forgotten that Hiro had been short for his age when he attended SFIT. Barely hitting five feet, but puberty had been kind and now Hiro clocked in at five foot nine. Tadashi himself was a little more normal for his age group, five foot four exactly. Doesn’t change the fact that Hiro took every chance he could to sling his smaller and lighter brother around.

“I heard you were a bot fighter now.” Callaghan continues, he doesn’t sound disappointed by it. “A robotics student like you must find it very…easy.” Tadashi stays stock still. Doesn’t want to distract from what’s happening, in case Hiro bolts, because it looks like he might. Hiro isn’t actually looking at Callaghan, but is resolutely focused on the floor at his feet; he makes a small noise of acknowledgement. Not really a full word. Callaghan doesn’t seem to mind. “You know Hiro, the showcase is coming up. And I was very curious to see where you’d go with the microbot’s design.” Tadashi’s brow furrows, he’s never heard of microbots. Hiro just nods and this isn’t right. Hiro shouldn’t look so... _sad_. Callaghan reaches out a hand and drops it on Hiro’s shoulder, gives it a squeeze. “I know Abigail was curious too.” Hiro’s lips twist in an expression Tadashi has never seen before and can’t really place. (He doesn’t ever want to see it again.) Callaghan withdraws his hand. “If you ever decide to come back, there’s a lab with your name on it.” Hiro nods again.

“Thank you, sir.” He mumbles. Callaghan nods as well, before turning and leaving the room.

“It was nice to see you again, Hiro.” Is the last thing he says and it’s just Tadashi and Hiro in the lab again.

They’re outside and Tadashi has just finished securing the last of his things to his brother’s moped. Hiro had been quiet on the walk back out. Now he was standing halfway up the steps, looking back at the school building with his hands in his pockets. Suddenly he whirled around and stalked back down the steps to where Tadashi was adjusting his helmet.

“Alright, nerdling.” Tadashi looked up; Hiro bopped him gently on the top of the helmet. “You win. I’m re-enrolling after the showcase.” Tadashi had never smiled so wide in his life.

 

* * *

 

Less than a month later Tadashi was frozen, watching as the flames devoured the one person who meant the world to him and cursed himself for being so stupid. _So stupid._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so, NEXT chapter is the one you're all dreading.


	4. Chapter 4

“What are you _doing_?” Only Hiro’s legs were visible as the rest of him was under his bed, searching for some item, it appeared. Tadashi had just finished tucking Baymax’s carrier into a section of his side of the room, when the sound of containers being moved and grunting tugged him back over to Hiro’s side.

“Looking for something.” Was the muffled response. Tadashi walked carefully around Hiro’s writhing legs and hopped up onto his brother’s bed.

“Sorry.” He called down at the muted curse the movement brought. “Is it,” He was cut off by Hiro’s triumphant shout.

“Found it!” Followed by the sound of a heavy box being dragged out, from under the bed. Tadashi peered over the edge as his brother wiggled his way out from underneath, pulling a clear plastic storage container with him. The container was packed full of papers, folders and blueprints. _Projects, Hiro’s old projects_ , Tadashi realized. Hiro sat next to the box with a satisfied grunt, legs folded in what Tadashi recognized as the customary bot fighting position. He grinned up at Tadashi’s curious expression. “Wanna see something really cool?” He asked.

 

“But you don’t need to enter the showcase.” Tadashi was helping Hiro carry the box of designs down to the garage, by helping he really meant following along behind Hiro, who was actually carrying the box. Not that he wasn’t glad his brother was getting back on track, but Professor Callaghan had already said there was a lab for Hiro, so Tadashi didn’t really see the point in Hiro entering the showcase.

“I know.” Hiro said, dropping the box on the side bench and fishing around in it. “But this is…” He yanked out a bulging folder tied with rubber bands. There was a skull and cross bones scrawled on the front in faded sharpie along with the words ‘microbot microawesome’. “different.”

“Different?” Tadashi hops up onto the roller chair next to Hiro. His brother has a wistful look on his face, as he tries to slip the rubber bands off the folder. One snaps and smacks Hiro in the face. Tadashi smirks at him, snickering. Hiro rubs at his nose and places his foot squarely on the edge of Tadashi’s chair. “Hey, hey wait,” Tadashi yelps as Hiro pushes off his chair and it shoots across the garage, banging against the far wall. “No fair!” He hollers, pushing back off the wall and rocketing across the garage again. Hiro stops his chair from crashing into him with a well-placed hand and a small grunt. He’s got the folder open and pages of notes are spread out over the table top.

Tadashi leans forward in his seat, eyes widening in awe. This is, these are the microbots professor Callaghan had mentioned, he can tell from the schematics that they’re going to be _incredible_. His brother is reading over a page in his hand, mouth moving along with the words, deep in thought. The hand he used to stop Tadashi’s chair, remains where it is, a finger tapping out an unknown rhythm on the fabric.

“How is it different?” His brother doesn’t look up as he flips the page over to read what’s on the back and then drops it to the tabletop and picks up what looks like a preliminary design.

“Hm?” Tadashi braces himself against the tabletop with his arms.

“How is the showcase different?” Hiro finally tears himself away from the design to look down at Tadashi. He shrugs and goes back to pouring over the notes and papers. Tadashi tries not to grit his teeth in frustration but his brother surprises him.

“I was going to submit a completed prototype of the Microbots to the official student show case way back when. The big fancy one, the one that’s like,” His voice takes on a bad imitation of a professor’s. “‘the pride of our department’ showcase.” Hiro rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “But then…I uh, didn’t. Never made the prototype either.” Tadashi leans his head down on his arms. So Hiro is using the showcase now as a way to bridge the gap from the showcase he missed back then. If it helps his brother find closure for whatever it was that set him off, then Tadashi is a dedicated fan of it. But still.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I dunno, life got in the way.” Tadashi knows that’s not in the least bit true and opens his mouth to say so, but Hiro drops a wad of notes on his head. “Are you gonna help me sort through this or not?” Tadashi sits up, there’s nothing like watching Hiro when he really starts going, really starts working. He’s surprisingly disciplined, in his own way, from the outside view it looks like Hiro’s running around doing too much at once, but Tadashi knows, his brother’s mind works fast, and works thoroughly.

It’s almost impossible to beat Hiro at chess; he thinks too far ahead, that applies to most of Hiro’s life. Where Tadashi is two steps ahead of the normal person, Hiro is ten, twenty, thirty, a whole game ahead. Hiro’s already prioritized what he can finish in each moment, what needs to be done first, what can be started now and finished later, and what other sections can be started and finished in between that time frame. Tadashi wouldn’t miss it for the world; it’s been forever and a day since he’s seen the Hiro Hamada invention whirlwind.

So he swallows his questions, and starts leafing through the notes.

* * *

The flames are warm against Tadashi’s face as he races back to the hall, Hiro loping along behind him. A woman bumps into Hiro and he steadies her instinctively.

“Is everyone okay?” Hiro asks her.

“Professor Callaghan is still inside!” Tadashi turns to face the stairs and takes exactly three steps before he’s yanked back by Hiro grabbing his collar.

“Tadashi, you _can’t_ go back in there.” Tadashi struggled against his brother’s hold. Ahead of them the building burned.

“But Professor Callaghan is in there!” Tadashi looked back up at Hiro. “Someone has to help.” Hiro looked from Tadashi’s upturned face, to the building and back to Tadashi and shrugged out of his hoodie in one fluid motion.

“Hold this for me, nerdling.” He dropped it on Tadashi’s head and was taking the stairs into the building two at time with his much longer legs. The last time Tadashi sees his brother alive, is as a dark outline against flames as he vanishes into the doorway. The explosion kicks Tadashi back, almost knocks him out, smacks his head against the pavement, but he still scrambles to his feet, because Hiro was in there. Even as a bystander stops him from running into destroyed building, he’s screaming for Hiro. For his big brother, to be okay, to come back out, to _help me please nii-san_. This time, for the first time, his brother doesn’t answer.

In the aftermath all Tadashi is left with is Hiro’s hoodie, an urn that holds his brother’s ashes and the weight of guilt that almost crushes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that wasn't too bad right? right?  
> so good news, bad news time:  
> Bad News: this is the last update until the weekend after Christmas  
> Good News: I have one more small part to write and then the whole thing will be done. Currently clocking in at 12000+ words, so there will be quite a few more chapters.
> 
> Happy Holidays, everyone.


	5. Chapter 5

Megabot is sitting on the desk, next to the computer, staring at him with its bright yellow face. Tadashi picks the bot up, there’s no Hiro looking over his shoulder now. He remembers vaguely when Hiro made it. It was right before he had graduated high school. Before he entered SFIT and dropped out. Before he actually became a bot fighter. He’d made it to amuse Tadashi. Tadashi can still hear his brother’s voice.

_Wanna see something cool?_

Hiro only asked him that when he wanted to show Tadashi something he’d been working on. Megabot was supposed to be something that Tadashi could play with while Hiro was going to be at college. But the controls turned out to be too complicated for Tadashi, aged six, to use.

“Don’t worry about it.” Hiro told him, as he tried not to cry in frustration, clutching the controller that was too big for his small hands. “I’ll get you something else.” The store bought action figure is not anywhere close to the same. Hiro keeps Megabot on a shelf until he quits SFIT, then he takes Megabot down and modifies it into a battlebot. The controls wouldn’t be too complicated now.

And they’re not. It’s just a modified version of the old controls. Tadashi has to stop after a bit, because he keeps expecting a hand to drop on his head or his shoulders, ruffle his hair or sweep him up in stranglehold hug that would turn into a bout of wrestling across the floor. And it’s not going to happen, but he keeps expecting it. So he has to stop. He puts Megabot back on the desk, but the bot falls off and slips through his fingers to land heavily on his bare foot.

“Ow!”

* * *

“Looks like you really outdid yourself this time, nerdling.” Tadashi can barely contain his excitement, bouncing on the balls of his feet as Hiro paces around Baymax. Studying his robot from every angle. “Very impressed with the scanner on this guy.” Reaches out a hand to poke at the white vinyl material that makes up Baymax’s body. “Squishy?”

“I wanted him to be as nonthreatening as possible.” Hiro nods his head.

“Well, walking marshmallow will certainly do that.” Tadashi stifles a giggle as Hiro pushes his face against Baymax’s stomach. “Huh, titanium skeleton, nice.” His voice is rather muffled until he pulls back to grin at Tadashi and Tadashi has to smile back. “Bet he’s got a lot of heft to him?” Tadashi nodded his head quickly.

“He can lift up to a thousand pounds if he needs to.” Hiro makes an impressed sound, turning back to Baymax, he tapped the heart icon.

“Programming?”

“Yup! He’s got a _ton_ of storage space and I worked on his coding so that if he runs into something he doesn’t know, he can download medical databases to research and learn it on his own!” Hiro stuck the lollipop back in his mouth stepping back to Tadashi’s side.

“ _Very_ nice nerdling. Though super capacitors would charge faster than the lithium-ion battery you got in there now.” Tadashi slapped a hand over his mouth.

“You’re right.” He hissed through his fingers, eyes wide. How had he overlooked such a simple thing? Tadashi wasn’t given much time to dwell on his ‘mistake’.

“Don’t worry about it.” Hiro said, dropping an arm around Tadashi’s shoulder. “You worked so hard on him, and this is, he’s awesome! He’s going to be so great, Tadashi!” Hiro picked Tadashi up with a whoop and spun him around. “You are going to help so many people, little brother! _So many_!” Tadashi had been dizzy with excitement and laughter.

* * *

“On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?”

_Physical or emotional?_

“Zero, I’m fine Baymax.” His robot tilts his head at him.

“That is not a correct numerical value. I will scan you now.” Tadashi starts.

“Don’t you-”

"Scan complete. There is an unusually high level of cortisone in your bloodstream, along with the presence of the hormone adrenocorticotrophin. My diagnosis is that you are suffering through a personal loss.” Wait.

“I didn’t...but I…” Tadashi hadn’t programmed that into Baymax.

“Recommendation is time with your loved ones. Where is Hiro?” The innocent question takes Tadashi’s breath away. He sits down heavily in Hiro’s desk chair.

“He’s...he’s gone.” Baymax blinks with a clicking sound.

“I do not understand, Hiro’s vitals at last scan were strong and healthy, he should have lived a long life.” It’s another nail in Tadashi’s heart. _Should have lived a long life, if not for you._

“There was an accident. A fire. He didn’t make it.” Tadashi yelps as he’s swept up into the softest hug ever. And then patted on the head.

“There, there.” Tadashi squirms; the hug feels way too familiar.

“Baymax, what are you doing?” He certainly did not program this.

“I am providing you with comfort.” The robot sets him back down on his feet and pictures of his friends light up on the white expanse of Baymax’s stomach. “It’s recommended that spending time with friends will improve your mental health. Should I call them for you?”

“No!” It wasn’t that Tadashi was avoiding his friends, okay, yes he was. Seeing them just reminded him of his stupid plan to get Hiro back into SFIT. The plan that succeeded and killed his brother in the process. His stupid, _stupid_ plan. He slumps back down in the desk chair. He should have just left his brother bot fighting. Hiro’d been happy...ish, but most importantly, he’d been alive. And now he wasn’t.

An insistent scratching noise broke Tadashi’s train of thought. Both Baymax and he turned to look at Hiro’s bed. Tadashi clambers under the bed with Baymax looming behind him, and pulls out the pair of jeans he’d worn to the showcase. Still smelling like smoke and fire. Tadashi almost drops the jeans, gagging, but there’s something wiggling around in the pocket. So he steels himself and reaches in.

* * *

“Sorry,” Hiro smiles in a way that isn’t sorry at all, a small dangerous smile. Like none that Tadashi had ever seen before. He wonders if this is what his brother looks like when he takes on an opponent in the ring. “They’re not for sale.” Krei smiles back at Hiro, in the same manner.

“How unfortunate, I thought you were smarter than that.” Tadashi bristles; no one is allowed to insult his brother’s intelligence, _no one_. A hand drops on his shoulder, Hiro has always had a sixth sense for the few times Tadashi is about to get into trouble. This being one of them. Tadashi scales himself back from verbal spat to just:

“Hey, Mr Krei,” and when the man turns around.“You still have my brother’s microbot in your pocket!” Krei smiles at him indulgently and if it weren’t for Hiro’s hand on his shoulder Tadashi doesn’t know what he’d have done. But the microbot is handed back over to him and Hiro squeezes his shoulder.

“Keep it.” He says when Tadashi tries to return it. So he sticks it in the pocket of his jeans for later.

* * *

“Your little robot is trying to go somewhere.” Baymax points out. Tadashi twists the dish and the microbot skids around the edge, banging against it in the same direction each time.

“It’s not my robot.” Tadashi mumbles. All the other microbots were gone, destroyed in the fire. This was the only one left, so where was it trying to go? This lone microbot wouldn't have suffered any damage in Tadashi's pocket and Hiro didn’t make defective robots. He just didn’t. Tadashi grabbed his sweater off his bed and tugged it on. Almost falling over in his haste to stuff his feet into his sneakers, if it weren’t for Baymax. The robot pushed him upright.

“Would finding out where it wants to go help your mental health?” He asked. Tadashi didn’t even have to think about that one.

“Yes!”

It doesn’t really, because someone is mass producing Hiro’s microbots and Tadashi is pretty sure, like ninety five percent sure, that it’s not for any humanitarian effort. His surety spikes up to ninety nine percent when the man in the mask starts throwing cars and storage container units on the second run-in, as Wasabi initiates the safest car chase known to man. While normally Tadashi appreciates Wasabi’s driving style, especially in contrast to Hiro’s approach(my moped may be smaller but it’s faster than your car and sidewalks are an extension of the road, also what’s a turn signal?), he appreciates even more when Gogo takes over.

And if he needed any more confirmation that he has the best friends in the world, it’s when they agree, readily, unanimously, to help.

“It’s going to be really, _really_ dangerous!” Tadashi protests.

"Aww little dude, 'danger' is my middle name!" Fred crows, while Gogo gives him a flatly unimpressed look, cracking her gum.

“Like we’re letting you walk into this alone.” She says and goes back to her suit design. Something Hiro had said to her during his first trip to the labs, _“What if you did something like speed skating? It would give more maneuverability.”_ has branched out into yellow and black and discs that cut the air as well as anything in their path. Likewise, Tadashi has just finished welding the frame of Fredzilla.

“Hiro was our friend too.” Honey tells him, with a fierce edge to her voice. It makes his heart hurt. Because Hiro never really had friends before and it sucks, _so bad_ , that he got them and barely had any time to actually have them.

“Besides,” Wasabi ruffles Tadashi’s hair through his hat. “I don’t even want to think about what Hiro would have to say about it.” Tadashi winces, Hiro would have had a mouthful and a half to say about his stunt with Baymax. And none of it would have been good. But he’d have much more to say about putting together the Team. Mostly on suit designs. Tadashi knows that Hiro would have gone about putting the suits together differently. Would have better ideas, would have better designs. But they don’t have Hiro; they have each other instead, so Tadashi does the best he can. Turns his attention to upgrading Baymax's scanner and soon enough they’re heading to the island. (Flying is the greatest feeling in the world, Hiro would have loved it Tadashi can't help but think.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now the entire thing has been written and just needs to be posted in chapter chunks. Which will happen every couple of days or so.  
> Happy Holidays, have some more Hiro being a good big brother.


	6. Chapter 6

In a far off corner of his mind, one that Tadashi is never going to acknowledge exists; he had hoped that Yokai was Hiro. That his big brother had found a way to beat the odds, to survive and in secret, created this alter-ego to test Tadashi. Because that would be Hiro all over.

_Wanna see something really cool?_

The mask comes off and not only is that secret, unacknowledged, hope dashed, but another of Tadashi’s heroes dies. Because it’s Callaghan. It’s Professor Callaghan, who told him how brilliant Hiro was, who told him how promising Hiro had been, who mentored Tadashi and helped him with Baymax, with coding problems, with raw material decisions. It’s Callaghan who started the fire, who stole Hiro’s microbots, who let Hiro die. (It’s Callaghan who put the idea of the showcase and the microbots back in his brother’s mind.)

And Callaghan doesn’t care.

“That’s on him!” Callaghan tells him. But it’s not; Hiro was only doing what Tadashi asked him to do. Callaghan could have saved Hiro, and he didn’t. (Tadashi could have stopped Hiro, and he didn’t.) Tadashi knows what Hiro would do in this situation, knows what route his bot fighter brother would take. He would burn down heaven and earth for Tadashi. But Tadashi can’t do that. He’s not his brother. He can’t bring himself to remove Baymax’s disc and turn him into a weapon. Hiro was so proud of what Tadashi had created; was so proud of what Tadashi believed in.

_This is a do as I don’t situation._

Even though Hiro is gone. Forever. For good. Tadashi couldn’t bring himself to betray that pride. He shuts down instead. The base is crumbling around them and his legs can’t hold him and his feet won’t move, but that’s okay because Wasabi grabs him. Scoops him up and holds him close to his armored chest.

“We gotta go!”

* * *

 

“Tadashi Hamada.” Professor Callaghan looks up from the folder in his hands; he’s leaning against the edge of his desk. Tadashi’s sitting in one of the chairs and wishes he was a bit taller so his feet would hit the ground. It’s the first day of his internship and he’s nervous even with Hiro’s assurance that ‘you’ll be fiiiiiine, nerdling, no one bites’. “I have to admit, I had some reservations about allowing someone as young as you into the program. This was designed for high school seniors after all.” Tadashi gulps, and looks down at his fingers twisting around each other in his lap. “I must say though, your proposal for a medical personal care bot, is nothing short of revolutionary.” Professor Callaghan fixes him with a stare.

“But to be perfectly honest, it was on your brother’s recommendation that I decided to accept you into the program.” Tadashi’s head shoots up to match the older man’s stare. The Professor smiles warmly. “Hiro was one of the most brilliant students, most brilliant person really, I have ever had the pleasure to teach, and be taught by.” Tadashi nods; he knows how very smart his brother is. Their parents had impressed on Hiro the importance of higher education with his intellect before they passed. And when Hiro graduated, Tadashi remembers how many colleges and universities and labs tried to court him away from San Fransokyo and how Hiro had turned them all down to attend SFIT, to stay close to home. To stay close to Aunt Cass and him.

“He didn’t have any compunction about speaking his mind, that may have rubbed some of his other professors the wrong way, but for me; it was a very refreshing change of pace. There’s not that many in the field who will challenge me so completely on my own invention after all.” Professor Callaghan smiles in a fond way, clearly thinking of a time in the past. Tadashi has to remember to close his mouth and not bury his face in his hands. Because _of course_ his brother would be so...so _ridiculous_ as to tell the inventor of magnetic servos to his face, the shortcomings he had found when just messing around with it. He can just hear the tone Hiro would have used too, a sarcastic drawl with more than a touch of superiority. Professor Callaghan continues, completely not noticing Tadashi’s near death of mortification.

“I hope to see his return to the labs someday.” So does Tadashi. “Some of the projects he was working on before he left, well, they could help a lot of people.” Professor Callaghan pauses, taps the folder in his hands against his leg, hi attention returning to Tadashi. “I’m sorry; it appears I’ve gone off topic. In any case, your proposal was well put together and I greatly trust the judgment of your brother. I look forward to seeing what you will produce. Welcome to the internship program, Mr. Hamada.”

* * *

“Hiro is here.” Tadashi can only take so much of Baymax saying that, and he’s hit his limit.

“No he’s not!” Everything is crashing down around him, and he can’t help it. He’s just a kid who’s lost so much for so little. And it’s just _not fair_. “Hiro is _dead_. I know you know what dead means! I programmed that into you myself!” He screamed, tears threatening to spill, chest heaving like he’s run a marathon. Honey Lemon puts her arms around his shoulders and pulls him close.

“Tadashi, calm down. Yelling at Baymax isn’t going to help.”

“But he-and I, I just.” Tadashi doesn’t quite know how to put into words everything that’s happened. Everything he feels. And he’s gearing himself up to start yelling again when.

“Hey little nerdling.” Tadashi freezes, everyone freezes. That’s Hiro’s voice. “Yeah, I jacked your bot. I’d say I’m sorry, but, you know, I’m not really.” The screen on Baymax’s stomach is lit up and that’s their room, and that’s Hiro. From the week before his death. Sitting back in his desk chair, fingers steepled in front of him, hair the mess that meant he had either stayed up the entire night before or had just gotten out of bed.

“I tightened up some of the coding because, well, it needed it. You’re not quite a master coder yet. And it seems you left a glaring hole in your healthcare database. Fixed that for you too. Also may have added a little extra coding, because can’t leave the grannies unprotected right? Right.” Tadashi leans a hand against the screen, stares as hard as he can. Tries to commit every little detail to memory. In the video, Hiro’s picked up a pencil from his desk and is twirling it between his fingers. Somewhere between the funeral and the mourning, Tadashi had forgotten that particular quirk of his brother. Always had to be spinning something or tapping or twitching in some way when he was overtired.

“So yeah, try and find out what I did, ‘cause I’m sure as hell not telling. It might be a liiiiitle bit advanced for you. But I know you; you don’t give up. On anything. So I know you'll figure this out. Happy hunting.” Hiro smiles at the camera and mock salutes before the screen shuts off. It’s silent in the workshop. Honey’s arms tighten the hug around his shoulder and Tadashi leans back into it. Fred joins in as well and Tadashi rests his head on Fred’s arm, brings his own up to clutch at Wasabi’s sleeve when he joins, smells Gogo’s bubblegum a few seconds later. And just stays that way, cocooned in his friends. Thinking. Processing. He knows now why Baymax’s hugs had felt so familiar.

He takes a breath and then lets it out in a soft sigh. Hiro had always been proud of Tadashi. Why, Tadashi never knew. He wasn’t even close to being the genius his brother was, wasn’t even close to living up to the impossibly high standards Hiro had set. But Hiro didn’t care about any of that. Every time Tadashi did something, accomplished something, like skipping two grades(where Hiro had skipped five.) or putting together Baymax(where Hiro had the microbot designs just gathering dust under his bed), Hiro celebrated it. Like it was the greatest thing ever accomplished. Like what Tadashi had done was _amazing_ despite what Tadashi himself thought of it.

 _“Dude, what, you want to be another me? The world doesn’t need another me. It **needs** you.”_ Hiro had said one time, before yanking Tadashi’s hat down hard enough to cover his eyes. Tadashi never really believed that, but Hiro had. Wholeheartedly. Even in the days after quitting SFIT, Hiro was always there to help Tadashi, to support him, to pull him to his feet when he brought himself down. Even now. Tadashi snuffles loudly, grossly, and Honey Lemon fishes a tissue out of her normal purse for him.

“Extra coding?” Wasabi murmured, after the group hug had broken. Tadashi laughs weakly. It’s so like Hiro, it’s Hiro down to his core, never missing a chance to mess with his little brother, never missing a chance to give his little brother a boost. To set up a task like a game to teach him something new. _You’re not the master codesmith, so find out what I did to mess with your coding and you will be._ Hiro knew best how to help Tadashi learn, even after his death. The right amount of fun, the right amount of challenge, the right amount of teasing. Tadashi wipes angrily at his eyes. How had he not known that before, when it first came up, how had he not put two and two together?

“That jerk. He taught Baymax how to fight.”

* * *

“Okay, time to give you a little bit of an upgrade.” Tadashi pulled up the fighting database his brother had kept on the garage computer. _Makes for good research_ Hiro had explained with a shrug. And now it would serve a completely different purpose then giving his brother inspiration for making battle bots. Modifying the moves to fit Baymax’s frame, then downloading it onto a new chip, didn’t take half the time Tadashi thought it would. But when he inserts the chip into Baymax, (he can’t quite bear to take out the medical data chip) Baymax rejects it.

“There are already defensive protocols in place, Tadashi. My scan indicates that my current protocols are superior to the new ones and are not at odds with my primary directives.” Tadashi sat back confused.

“What protocols?”

“They are listed as guard protocols.” They were. They were protocols that if backed against the wall, if push came to shove, if a patient was in mortal peril from an attacker, Baymax could efficiently and effectively, protect his patient. They could be manually activated with an override code. But Tadashi didn’t know what that code was, so he kept his own disc in as well. Now he knows. Hiro knew combat coding backwards and forwards and upside down if it came to it. If anyone could merge a set of combat protocols with a personal medical bot and make it work flawlessly, it would have been Hiro.

Ever since the fire, Tadashi had thought he’d been on his own. But every time Baymax switched from Tadashi’s slapdash battle codes to the smoother, better integrated, set of guard protocols, every time the robot tried to talk Tadashi through grieving, referring to his mental health database, or had hugged him, was a time his brother’s digital ghost had stepped in. Hiro is here. Tadashi makes the decision and pulls his homebrew battlechip, leaves only the medical chip that he put so much time and effort into, leaves the chip that Hiro had taken time out of his own microbot filled schedule to work on, leaves the chip that houses Hiro and his last collaboration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Besides helpful things like adding the mental health database, how to deal with mourning, guard protocols and hugs, Hiro's also the jerk that programmed Baymax to act like a drunk at low battery.


	7. Chapter 7

The third time they go up against Callaghan is the last time. They’re ready now, no going off on their own. It’s time to fight like a team. And Tadashi is angry, so very angry. He can understand where Callaghan is coming from, after putting the missing video together, but he can’t forgive him. Callaghan lost his daughter, but why did Tadashi have to lose his brother?

_Do as I don’t_

The microbots need to go, there’s too many of them for any of the team to get the band safely and hey, that portal makes for a handy disposal unit. (It only hurts a little, because Hiro would never want his microbots used like this.) In the end, it’s just Callaghan and him, staring at each other while the portal collapses in on itself in the background.

“He let Abigail die!” Callaghan snarls at Tadashi, it only makes Tadashi angrier. “I just want my daughter back!”

“And I want my brother back!” He yells at Callaghan, anger and rage making his voice ragged. “But I’m not _you_.” He gets cut off by Baymax.

“Tadashi, I am detecting signs of life from there.” The robot points to the portal. Tadashi can’t just leave it. There’s only one reason why Baymax would be detecting signs of life in the portal. And that’s if Abigail was still alive in there.

_Do as I don’t_

_Too bad_ , Tadashi thinks to the ghost of Hiro’s voice. Too damn bad. Someone has to help.

“It looks like you’re going to get your wish.” Tadashi says to Callaghan. Even if it wasn’t Abigail, Tadashi wouldn’t have been able to walk away. But Abigail. Hiro _knew_ Abigail, had been friends with Abigail, so he doesn’t even hesitate. He’s diving into the portal on Baymax’s back in the space between one breath and the next.

* * *

“Hey Aunt Cass?” Tadashi waits until he knows Hiro is down in the garage working on his microbots and it’s just Aunt Cass and him. Her making dinner and him, seated at the table working on homework.

“Yes Tadashi? Here try this.” He obediently opens his mouth for the spoon with sauce. Licks his lips. “Well? Was it good, bad, not good enough? Not bad enough?”

“Could be more spicy.” He tells her and waits until she’s turned back to the stove. “Who’s Abigail?” His Aunt freezes, just slightly, but enough for Tadashi to know he has her.

“Where did you hear about Abigail?” She’s being careful.,Tadashi is determined. Hiro wouldn’t tell him, but clearly this is something Aunt Cass knows and now that Tadashi has an in, he’s pretty confident of getting the story.

“Professor Callaghan mentioned her when he was talking to Hiro. When we were at the lab.” Tadashi watches the way his aunt turns the stove down and puts a lid on the pot. “I’ve never heard of her before and Hiro says I’m annoying him when I try to ask.” Aunt Cass turns to face him; she leans back against the counter.

“I guess…he really should be the one to tell you but,” She shrugs. “Sometimes your brother is an idiot. And I’ve been trying to get him to open up about this for years but you can see how well that’s been going.” Aunt Cass frowns and is silent, thinking through what, Tadashi doesn’t know, but he hardly dares to breathe in case a sudden noise makes her change her mind.

“Her name was Abigail Callaghan.” Aunt Cass nods at Tadashi’s open mouthed expression. “She’s your Professor Callaghan’s daughter. Hiro and she were friends, his first friend. Abigail really helped your brother. He’s always had a hard time making friends you know.” Tadashi nodded, he did know. Very well. Which is why he was still extremely pleased with himself for tricking Hiro into going to the SFIT labs and meeting his friends. Because Fred was downstairs in the garage with Hiro right now, and Gogo was coming over later to hang out as well. Wasabi had had to head home not even ten minutes ago, but said he'd be swinging by tomorrow and Honey Lemon en route.

“The way I understand it, Professor Callaghan brought Abigail around to the labs one day and Hiro happened to be causing his usual brand of trouble. He was pretty rough around the edges back then.” Tadashi snorts at her. He was still rough around the edges now. “I know, I know. Hear me out; he was a lot more hostile when he was your age. You probably weren’t aware of it; he was always his best around you.” Aunt Cass says with a smile. Tadashi feels a little bit cold on the inside. There’s been this realization over the last few weeks, that maybe the Hiro he sees every day isn’t the same Hiro everyone else sees. Aunt Cass continues blithely on.

“Anyway, Abigail was nice to Hiro, no matter how much of a little,” She struggled to find the right word without swearing and settled on: “troll he was, and believe me, your brother drove me up the wall back then, so I don’t know how she managed it, but she got through to him. And your brother can be quite charming when he wants to be.” Aunt Cass smirked at him. “Don’t give me that, he can be. Sometimes. Occasionally. Long story short, they became friends.” Tadashi frowned at his textbook. If Hiro had become such good friends with Abigail, how come he had never heard of her, much less met her?

“What happened to her?” He asks, quietly and has his fears confirmed when Aunt Cass lets out a weary sigh.

“We don’t know how exactly, she was part of an experimental program as a test pilot. The military was involved and they’re all ‘need to know’ about everything. Anyway, something went wrong with whatever the test was.” Aunt Cass wipes her hands on a towel to busy herself. “She didn’t make it, we were told. Hiro. Well. Your brother has never dealt with loss well.” She smiles at Tadashi sadly. This is the answer that Tadashi had been searching for. The reason his brother had slowly been slipping away, stagnating. Tadashi wonders how he didn’t notice it was grief, he knows his brother like the back of his hand, but Hiro knew him just as well, and kept this from him.

“In some ways Hiro’s still not over your parents’ death, even now, never mind back then. Abigail was…a bit too much too soon for him. He dropped out the day he got the news.” Tadashi makes a promise with himself that Hiro is never going to lose someone close to him again, not if Tadashi can help it. That promise extends into Hiro’s death.

* * *

He gets Abigail out of the portal, he gets himself out of the portal. He does not get Baymax out of the portal.(now he's really alone) In the flashing lights of the rescue vehicles and the police, with the unmoving husks of Hiro’s microbots around him, with the empty space at his back where Baymax would be, all he can think of is all he’s lost. It feels like he’s back at square one again. After the EMT’s clear him, his friends take him home. Wasabi helps him out of his armor; he’s too tired to do it himself, Fred is carrying what’s left of Baymax’s armor into the garage. Honey Lemon talks to Aunt Cass in low hurried tones, Gogo helps him up the stairs to his room. He balks when she tries to steer him to his side of the room, ducks under her arm to climb into Hiro’s bed. Curls into a ball under the sheets. Gogo takes a seat in Hiro’s desk chair, sets her feet on the bed. The message is clear: you are not alone. She stays until Aunt Cass comes in and then she leaves and Aunt Cass sits down next to him and he curls into her side. He doesn’t sleep that night. The closure he thought he’d get from catching Hiro’s killer doesn’t come. Because the truth is, his brother died for _nothing_ , and it’s still all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we got two more chapters to go kids!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> adding two more songs to the playlist for this fic:  
> Paper Wings by Rise Against  
> Existentialism on Prom Night by Straylight Run
> 
> also adding magical realism to the tags.

Tadashi tries to find closure in the streets of San Fransokyo, in the alleys his brother would duck down to go bot fighting. He knows his friends and Aunt Cass are worried about him, but it feels like he needs to do this, to gather up all the pieces of Hiro that were left strewn across the city. Tadashi carries Megabot with him, and pulls his ballcap down further over his eyes. Hiro was right, like he so often had been; bot fighting was not really a place for young teenagers. Tadashi hunches his shoulders and scoots around adults twice his size and weight. He wonders how Hiro did it the first time, without being so scared, he wonders what Hiro got out of bot fighting, (besides the money) that kept him coming back. It’s starting to dawn on him, that’s he being observed very carefully, from pretty much everyone around him. A young teenager was probably a rare sight at these gatherings but surely, he shouldn’t be attracting this much attention?

“That ain’t your bot, kid.” The voice has Tadashi freezing. It belongs to one of the refs. The ones painted in geisha makeup. He tightens his grip on Megabot and meets her steely gaze.

“Yy-yes it is.” He has to clear his throat so it doesn’t come out as firmly or as confidently as he would have hoped. “It belonged to my brother. And he’s…not here anymore, so it’s mine.” He finishes in a rush. There’s a collective murmuring in the crowd following his announcement. And Tadashi looks around in confusion. The ref takes pity on him.

“You remind them of another little kid who came to play one day.” She explains as she taps the tip of her parasol against the ground. “And he changed the game completely. So they worry about what you will do.” Tadashi can see the ghost of a fourteen year old Hiro, strolling down the alley, without any fear, without any doubts, and completely owning every opponent without remorse, in the shift and shuffle of the bot fighting crowd around him.

“Tell me about him.” The ref’s eyebrow rises; she looks amused by his demand. “Tell me about Hiro, please.” He tries. “He was my brother.” Her head tilts to the side as she ponders him. Fourteen years old, Megabot clutched in his hand and looking like the second coming of his brother. She nods to Megabot.

“You know how to use him kid?” Tadashi meets her disbelieving stare and nods. He does. Hiro may have modified Megabot into a battle bot, but he had been built for Tadashi first. “You got any money?” Again Tadashi nods. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but it seemed logical to bring cash with. “Then we do this the bot fighting way, the way your brother would have.” She beckons and a pink haired girl drops onto the cushion on one side of the ring, directing her bigger bot into the ring. The ref ushers him to the other side, waits until he places Megabot into the ring and holds out the ceramic dish. Tadashi drops his money into the dish at the same time as the girl. “Every time you win,” The ref tells him. “I will tell you something about Hiro.”

The first win is easy, despite his sweat slicked hands around the controller.

“He was a con artist, a hustler.” The ref tells him. He leaves his winnings in the pot, it’s not the money he’s after. “He’d play up being a kid and then rip a robot apart once the guard was down.” Tadashi didn’t think that Hiro knew how to lie. Didn’t think it was possible, but he’s been learning quite a lot about his brother these days. “Plenty of times I thought he’d get the shit beat out of him. But he was always just that one step ahead of everyone else. Fast on his feet too.”

The second win he’s more confident even though it takes a little longer.

“Very angry kid, your brother.” She continued with, counting out his winnings and offering him the cash. Tadashi shook his head. It made sense, Tadashi supposed, if Hiro took up bot fighting as a way to let out all the grief and rage from Abigail and his parents. He could understand that, hadn’t he done the same himself almost? (On a live human no less?) “Always with a sharp remark if someone crossed him, and if he knew he could win, he wouldn’t even bother settling it with a bot. He’d just go all in. Never really knew what would set him off either.” That explained some of the more random bruises Tadashi had never been able to get Hiro to explain properly, when he first dropped out of SFIT. “He cooled off a bit when he got older, still angry, but compared to when he was your age?” She clucked her tongue. He’s not sure he wants to hear what other things this woman knows about his brother. These were things Hiro had gone out of his way to keep from Tadashi. But Hiro was gone and Tadashi was trying to hold on in any way he could, so he picked up the controller for round three.

“You couldn’t show weakness in front of him.” Contender number three leaves the ring with their bot in shambles. “He would home in on it, like a shark. And god help you if you were his opponent. He never showed any mercy in the ring, rarely any outside of it.” Tadashi always knew Hiro had a mean streak, a dark side. He hadn’t realized how dark until now.

Round number four came and went.

“He held grudges.”

Round five.

“He was petty.”

Round Six and Tadashi doesn’t know if he wants to continue.  Doesn’t know if he wants to hear her tear his brother down anymore.

“He kept us safe.” His head snaps up at that. The ref twirls her parasol, not looking at Tadashi. “Bot fighting doesn’t attract the best people. Sometimes they aren’t happy with the calls, or their cut.” She shrugs, one shouldered, like it didn’t matter. But Tadashi can see that it does. “We can take care of ourselves, but your brother.” She smiles at some memory playing in front of her eyes. “He made it quite clear, that he wouldn’t stand by like the rest.”

Round Seven.

“He did good work. The best on bot designs. No one else would do if you wanted a top of the line bot. If you wanted a real winner. Always delivered on time. Very selective who he worked for. Yama could never get him pinned down no matter how many proxies he went through.”

Round Eight.

“He was surprisingly honest, for a kid who started out a hustler.”

Round Nine.

“He stopped battling a couple years ago, and switched to doing custom bot designs full time. He’d still show up to all our major matches to see how they did. You could see him trying not to run over and take control of the bot himself. Always amusing, watching him try to strangle thin air.”

Round Ten.

Tadashi collects his original amount and refuses the rest of his winnings. The ref puts the lid back on the dish.

“He was a great bot fighter, one of the best. We won’t see his like again, I think.” She said musingly, staring off into the alley. Around them the crowd is thinning. There are no more opponents and the other bots are so much scrap metal littered around the ring. Tadashi still has no idea what Hiro saw in bot fighting, won't ever be coming back, but he’s learned so much more about who his brother was instead. Not all of it good, not all of it bad. Given to him as truthfully as possible, with no punches pulled. He scoops Megabot into his lap. The ref turns her eyes to him. “Our condolences. On your loss.” Tadashi doesn’t trust himself to speak, so he bows, once. Grabs Megabot and runs.

 

It’s a couple nights after the last showdown with Callaghan, and a day after the bot fighting alley and Tadashi is still restless at night. In a frustrated, dazy state, he leaves his room and goes down the stairs to the kitchen. There’s hardly any light as he makes his way to the kitchen.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Tadashi whirls around. Hiro is sprawled in the window seat, Mochi settled in his lap purring up a storm, his brother’s head is turned to watch the few visible stars and his hand strokes the cat’s back. _It’s a dream_ , Tadashi thinks, even as he runs across the room and throws himself at his brother. _This is a dream, Hiro is dead_. It doesn’t matter, because this is the first time he’s really seen his brother. Seen him and known him. Known all the different odds and ends that came together to make up his older brother, Hiro Hamada. His knees hit the floor next to the seat and his arms wrap around Hiro’s waist. Mochi leaps off Hiro’s lap with a disgruntled noise and stalks away. Tadashi doesn’t care, burying his face into his brother’s side. Feels Hiro’s hand stroke through his hair and his arm wrap around his shoulders, pulling him closer.

“I’m sorry.” Tadashi mumbles, completely miserable.

“What do _you_ have to be sorry for?” Hiro’s voice is amused, playful, just like always, when Tadashi thought he’d screwed something up and Hiro would come along and help him fix it. Laughing and teasing him the entire time. But this time, it isn’t something Hiro can just fix with the right words and the right tool. Tadashi just pushed his face harder into Hiro’s side, can’t bear to look at him.

“I let you die.” He says instead. “You went in there so that I wouldn’t. It was my fault. _I let you die_.” He feels Hiro’s body shake. It’s laughter he realizes, when there’s a muffled snort from above him. Tadashi looks up and yes, even in the dark, he can see Hiro’s eyes positively sparkling with mirth.

“That might be giving you a bit too much credit, bro.” Or maybe his brother _can_ fix this. Tadashi’s mouth drops open, denial already spilling out.

“No, but, I.” Hiro really does laugh. Not just a simple muffled snort.

“Shut up.” He says affectionately, running his thumb behind Tadashi’s ear. And surprised, Tadashi does. “God, Tadashi, ‘it’s my fault’.” Hiro mimics his voice in a high pitched mockery. “You’re like, twelve.”

“I’m fourteen!” Tadashi squawks. Hiro laughs again, patting him on the head.

“Yeah sure,” He says. “The point is you’re a lot younger than me. And smaller too. If I really wanted to, I could have just dragged you back. I chose to go in. It was me, not you.” Hiro says voice stern and solid. No arguments allowed. “I made the choice. It was my decision, never your’s. Got it?” Tadashi nods, there’s no disagreements allowed when Hiro uses that tone of voice. “And Tadashi?” Hiro smiles down at him, sad and sweet. “I’m so very, _very_ sorry. It looks like you’ll have to change the world without me.” And that’s when Tadashi really does break; he squeezes his arms as tightly around Hiro as he can. He sobs all his loss and rage and anger and pain and sorrow out. When it’s done, he leans against his brother, just breathing; strong arms and calloused fingers hold him together. This was it. This was the closure he had been searching for. It doesn’t matter if it’s only a product of his subconscious; this is what he needed. He knows where to go from here.

“It’s okay.” Tadashi finally says, softly. He pulls his head back from where he had reburied it in his brother’s side. Meets Hiro’s concerned gaze. “It’s okay.” He repeats. “I forgive you.” _I forgive myself._ He untangles one arm, to wipe at his tear stained face. “I’m going to live a really long, really busy life.” He tells Hiro because it needs to be said. “I’m going to change the world, I’m going to help so many people, I’m going to have my own family, and I’m going to miss you. I’m going to miss you _so much_.” Hiro runs his fingers through Tadashi’s hair again, but he’s back to smiling. It’s the smile he gave Tadashi, when Tadashi introduced him to Baymax and the crew. The one that means he’s so very proud of Tadashi. And Tadashi’s heart swells.

“Well,” Hiro says his voice soft. Behind him in the window the few stars sparkle. “You’ll have to tell me all about it.” He leans down until their foreheads are touching and they’re looking into each other’s eyes, except Hiro closes his, his hand cupping the back of Tadashi’s head. “But not too soon, yeah? I can wait.” Tadashi nods and the next thing he knows its morning, and Aunt Cass is waking him up, asking why he fell asleep in the window seat. _Do you want to get sick kiddo?_

 

The dreams of trying to catch up to his brother in the crowd and failing stop, Tadashi knows they’re gone for good. He moves back to his own bed. He still tends to listen for noises that aren’t there any more, the tap of a shoe against the floor, the shift of fabric, the scratch of pencil lead against paper, soft humming or the faint tinny noise of music being played too loud through headphones. Tadashi figures he’ll always listen for those sounds, until one day he won’t and he won’t remember stopping. He starts sleeping through the night again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter left, we're almost there.
> 
> Real ghost or figment of Tadashi's sleep deprived mind, YOU DECIDE!


	9. Chapter 9

Abigail is in the hospital pending release as soon as the physical therapy finishes. Tadashi goes to see her. She can’t stop apologizing to him, but it’s not her fault. Her father made his own choices, just as Hiro made his. Tadashi tells her as much. And she smiles at him through watery eyes.

“You have the same eyes.” She said, wiping her unfallen tears with her wrist. Tadashi passes her a tissue.

“Tell me about him.” Tadashi asks, begs, pleads. Because if there’s one thing Hiro’s death has taught him, it’s that he only knew a little of who Hiro was. That other people have other pieces of the puzzle that made up his brother. And he wants them all.

Abigail obliges him, and she tells him about the short, scrawny kid who skipped into the labs that day her father took her and turned everything upside down. Her father had insisted on her meeting Hiro.

_“He reminds me a lot of you at that age.”_ He’d said. It another stick of betrayal to add to the growing pile at Callaghan’s feet, but Tadashi refuses to light that bonfire. Abigail detracts by telling him about the trouble Hiro would get into with his classes.

“I think correcting the professor in class was a hobby of his.” She told Tadashi, laughing a little and Tadashi smiled because that was totally something Hiro would find amusing. “He had one who started to ignore Hiro every time his hand went up. So every day, Hiro kept moving his seat closer and closer to the front of the class. Until he was sitting front row center. And he would keep raising his hand and having this intense stare down with the professor every day.” Tadashi smiles along with her laugh. Imaging his brother at fourteen, practically leaning out of his seat with his hand in the air, eyes locked on the professor, just daring him to continue ignoring him.

She tells him about how Hiro would walk on the railings of the bridges on campus next to her, with his arms out for balance, though he never fell or miss stepped. Not once. That he knew the exact way to smack the vending machines to get an extra treat. How he would get into heated debates with her father in the lab. How he’d struggled to be taken seriously among peers twice or three times his age. How she got him a lab coat once that was two sizes too big for his small frame by accident. And he’d puffed his cheeks out and pouted at her until she’d got one the correct size.

_“I already look like a kid. I don’t need any more help there.”_ He’d told her. It’s all another part of his brother Tadashi hadn’t known about. (And she tells him how immensely proud Hiro had been of him. Even at fourteen himself. How he’d bragged about how _smart_ his little brother was. How someday the two of them were going to change _everything_.)

At the end, Tadashi thanks her. Abigail looks at him curiously.

“For what?” He smiles at her.

“For giving me part of my brother back.” He’s already standing and yanking on his backpack. “I’m going back to school tomorrow and I’ll be continuing my independent study, I need to rebuild Baymax.” He tells her and leaves before he has to face the shocked expression turning to pity. (She’s both exasperated and delighted when he tells her about Hiro becoming a bot fighter after her supposed death. _“That knucklehead”_ She says fondly. ” _He knew I wanted to be a bot fighter when I was his age.”_ )

 

Tadashi gets a surprise when he inspects Baymax’s gauntlet. Tucked safely in a cage of curled armored fingers, is a battered green computer chip. The one he pulled out of a case one day and drew a doctor smiley face on. The one that held all of Baymax’s programming, the one he had spent _months_ going over. Fixing, perfecting. The one that Hiro had added to, had hidden codes and programs to tease and test his little brother with. The one that made up _Baymax_.

Tadashi immediately slid the chip into his computer, everything was there, including the parts that Hiro had put in. He makes five different back-up’s. And then an extra one, one that over-writes the battlechip he’d tried to program. This one he sticks behind the frame of a picture of Hiro and him as kids. A thirteen year old Hiro sitting cross legged on the floor, a six year old Tadashi in his lap staring intently at a toy robot that Hiro is in the process of taking apart. Hiro has a look of narrowed eyed concentration; Tadashi leaning forward in his brother’s lap, small fingers loosely gripping a screwdriver. It’s a picture that sits on his dresser. Tadashi had turned it facedown before the funeral, now it’s proudly upright again.

Hiro is gone, yes, but Tadashi found his brother. Not in the items, and objects and unfinished bot designs he left behind, but in the memories and stories his friends and enemies and everyone in between, had of him.

The bot fighter: ruthless, conniving, and always angry. The young student scientist: brilliant, challenging and challenged. The nephew: frustrating, sad and forever loved. The best friend: engaging, funny and more than a little trouble. The big brother: protector, teacher and a relationship more complicated than a few words could give justice to.

Tomorrow will be a new day, the official start of his life without Hiro. But even that isn’t true, even if he moved across the world and gave up robotics and changed his last name and never thought of him again. Tadashi would never be able to leave behind the marks on his life that Hiro had left. It’s a comforting realization.

He’s finally ready to move forward.

Everything is going to be okay.

 

“Tadashi! Your friends are here!” Aunt Cass calls up the stairs and Tadashi takes a deep breath, because this is his first day back. He’s staring at Hiro’s dark blue hoodie; he quickly slips it on and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks ridiculous, but that wasn’t the point of this exercise.

He wraps his arms around himself and breathes in the scent of fabric softener and detergent. He’d asked Aunt Cass to wash it, wash away the scent of smoke and fire and death. And she had. It smelled as though Hiro was about to put it on and wear it out. The hoodie is huge on him. Hiro was a pretty lanky guy and he liked his jackets and hoodies baggy. But Tadashi is barely half Hiro’s height. The sleeves dangle over his fingertips, the hem hits the middle of his thighs. If he were to put the hood up, it would swallow his head.

Someday, he’ll fit into this hoodie perfectly. Someday, he’ll fit into all of Hiro’s clothes. Someday he’ll be the same age Hiro was. Someday, he’ll outgrow Hiro’s clothes. Someday he will be older than Hiro was. Someday, he’ll be the older brother. The thought used to scare him, but now.

_Tell me all about it._

He can’t wait. He hangs the hoodie back in the closet and grabs his bag on the way down the stairs. His friends are waiting for him. He gives Aunt Cass an extra hug before dashing out the door after them. There’s so much to do. There’s his friends and the team now. Baymax needs to be rebuilt, upgraded too, he needs to graduate, to get out there and really make a difference. And there’s Hiro’s microbots to consider. His brother’s legacy, his gift and his curse, all in one. Tadashi isn’t going to let the last invention of his brother’s go to waste, Baymax isn‘t going to be their last collaboration after all. He might not be as smart as Hiro was, not nearly. But he has his brother’s notes, he has his friends, he has himself. He’ll figure it out.

He’s got a whole life ahead of him.

 

_“Hey bro.” Tadashi turns around and Hiro is standing there. Looking the same as the last time Tadashi had seen him, decades previous. Tadashi is surprised to see he’s taller than Hiro now. Hiro looks him up and down and smiles that smile that means trouble and happiness at the same time. “Look at you! All grown up!” God, how Tadashi missed him._

_“Hiro.”_

_“I heard I got a grandkid named after me!” Hiro slings an arm around Tadashi’s shoulders, tucks him close to the side of his body. Even though Tadashi doesn’t fit quite like he used to, even though Hiro has to stretch up to catch his shoulders, it still feels like coming home._

_“I changed the world. **We** changed the world.” He tells Hiro, because that’s the only thing he can really think to say and he thought he’d have a better handle on things by now. He’s had his entire life to prepare for this, but he’s still just as tongue tied as before. Hiro just laughs at him, the loud, happy, excited laugh that makes Tadashi want to laugh along with him. The laugh he hasn’t heard in so very long, since he was gawky teenage kid chasing after his brother’s shadow. He’s cast his own shadow now though. Hiro tugs Tadashi along, leaving the sounds of the funeral behind them._

_“Come on, tell me all about it.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and done.   
> That was a fun ride, hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did.  
> If you want to chat about the fic, older brother hiro or younger brother Tadashi, you can hit me up on my tumblr: http://pkmn-trainer-touko-tajiri.tumblr.com/  
> Otherwise, there are some parts that had to be cut from the fic, due to not actually working in the narrative(cause they were too happy.) which I'll be sticking in a separate thing.


End file.
